


cracked

by Trogdor



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: (Maggie is basically recast at the end), F/F, Mon-El dies, anti-maggie sawyer, anti-mon-el, badly written on purpose, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 12:31:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10490940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trogdor/pseuds/Trogdor
Summary: Lena tries to woo Kara, but Kara thinks she's straight. There's mention of Mon-Ew and Kara but that's quickly put out of it's misery.orI purposely wrote a badly written crackfic for my friends.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lacy527](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacy527/gifts), [SPenn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPenn/gifts), [tmaq](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmaq/gifts).



> This is my first posted fanfic, and I can't believe this will be my legacy. I'm sorry lol. This is all crack and makes no real sense. It's just done for fun. Please don't go in expecting anything special.
> 
> This is dedicated to GG Cru, you bunch of idiots.

Kara Danvers was walking, for some reason, down the fog filled street when she heard a rumbling motorcycle somewhere behind her, she turned to look and was surprised to see  Lena Luthor popping out of the fog riding her cool ass motorbike looking like a valkyrie but like, Irish. She rolled up to Kara, whose face was as red as Supergirl’s cape from blushing so hard because hot damn Lena on a motorbike would make anyone hot.

Lena took off her helmet and her raven hair cascaded down her back as if she were in a shampoo commercial, and all Kara could do was stare as her mouth opened and closed like a fish as she struggled to say hello to her friend.

“Hey, you wanna be bezzie mates?” Lena asked, quirking a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.

The blonde sputtered like a leaky garden hose.

“Lezzie mates? What? Pfffttt no. What. I’m straight.” She replied, her deep blue eyes unable to meet the green orbs of her friend, that were currently hidden behind a aviators but regardless Kara couldn’t meet her eyes.

The shorter woman took off the iridescent mirror plates covering her eyes, “Noodles are straight too… until wet” She winked at the blonde.

“Except fusilli,” Kara said smoothly, Lena stared bemusedly back at her for what was probably 10 seconds before Kara added helpfully, “and tortellini and I’m sure that’s not the point.” She ended weakly.

Lena’s eyebrow quirked, and Kara had to wonder if they were sentient or not the way they seemed to have a life of their own.

“I do love when you talk foodie to me, baby.” Said Lena, her voice a smooth but gravelly at the same time.

Kara never once thought that her in depth knowledge of Italian pasta wouldn’t be a hindrance but the actual way to someone’s heart. _Pants? Peart?_ “Uhm... foodie? I uh… once tried kale??”

Lena chuckled obviously finding Kara adorable.

“Sounds like I need to take you out and get you to try some foie gras.” Because rich and sophisticated people totally eat that stuff.

“Faux grass? Haha so strange because I’ve never even tried real grass.” Laughed Kara with the naivety of a baby lamb. Kara being Kara, she needed to dig herself into a bigger hole. “I mean what human would right? It’s totally not normal to eat grass just because it’s green!” Her laugh was entering nervous territory now.

Lena simply smiled at the adorable display of awkwardness that her favorite reporter was exhibiting. _God is there anything she does that doesn’t make you fall in a love a little more?_

The brunette smirked at the innocence of the statuesque blonde before her, she knew her eyes were bright as the thought of how easily it would be to take the blonde down the sinful path of sapphic love popped into her mind. She felt an eyebrow raise as she tried to imbue a naughty tone into what she was about to say.

“Speaking of which… how do you feel about… mowing the lawn, if you know what I mean?”

Kara didn’t.

“Haha I’m always down for yardwork!” She replied enthusiastically, “Golly the sun feels so good when you’re out pulling weeds, doesn’t it?” Kara looked up, eyes crinkling as she looked at the yellow orb in the cerulean sky.

“Oh, you like sun huh...just like Supergirl??” Lena purred suggestively, suggesting she was obviously in the know about Kara’s alter ego.

Kara froze, Alex and J’onn were going to kill her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” She said, nervously fixing her glasses. “Supergirl? Sun? What… what does that have to do with me?”

“You can trust me. We’re bezzie mates!” Lena Looked serious for a moment, “But if you don’t trust me…”, She and leaned in dangerously close, “You can buy my silence with a hotdog.”

Kara shook her head and let out a disappointed sigh . “There you go again calling me a lesbian. You should really meet my sister.” She tilted her head, as if she were a golden retriever, “Wait, only one hotdog? You’re a cheap date. Not that this is a date! I’m straight?” She added, her voice raising at the end with confusion. She looked at her raven haired friend. Kara had a wounded and confused look on her face. Lena was so confusing, and Kara wasn’t sure what she was even feeling. _What if I’m gay?_ She asked herself, not really wanting an answer just yet.

The brunette looked up at her blonde friend. She could feel tears in her eyes. The Luthor upbringing and resulting emotional stunting be damned, she was a cry baby against all odds. She took a deep breath and looked into Kara’s blue eyes, a blue so like the depths of the sea but not too deep where it’s pitch black.

“I’m just a girl standing in front of another girl, asking her to buy me a hotdog” She said, a quiet sob tacked on at the end.

Kara didn’t answer, and it was answer enough. Lena turned and hopped back onto her motorbike, quickly speeding off.

 

* * *

 

 

Kara was once again back on the street on yet another day, this time there was no fog the day was bright and cloud free. Unfortunately she wasn’t alone; her boyfriend, Monelrail, was currently making a scene with his gross public display of affection. She didn’t particularly like Monell, especially his kissing since he seemed to really think the trick was copious amounts of tongue and spit. But alas there she was, being kissed by her boyfriend as she tried not to think of a certain raven haired beauty that she hadn’t seen since the whole hotdog debacle a few days ago.

The feelings that Lena Luthor erupted in her were distracting and altogether inconvenient for some reason, might’ve been a No Homo reason but Kara couldn’t be sure.

Just then Lena drove by on her ducati, slowing as she saw Kara and Monike swapping spit on the sidewalk. She started crying but quickly stopped herself as she resolved to intervene. She pulled a badass move that she’d seen in a movie once and somehow slid her bike sideways and knocked Kara and Monil apart. Kara landed in Lena’s arms, and Moneel flew into the store windows somewhere not that Lena even cared or noticed.

Monorail would’ve been dying in Kara’s arms if only she hadn’t been in Lena’s arms. Somewhere in the distance they heard his dying whimpers. But they only had eyes for each other.

“I got you, bezzie mate” Lena said quietly, as she managed to stand up with Kara still in her arms.

Kara shook her head as she could still hear the dying sounds of a flab of meat that was her ex-boyfriend. _Whoops guess I should’ve broken up with him before he died?_

They were suddenly interrupted by a cool and sexy voice with some sort of english accent.

“Well well well, Lena Luthor, fancy meeting you here?” The voice purred. Kara and Lena turned, both seeing the tall blonde before them. Kara didn’t like her, didn’t like her one bit. She was too sexy, and perfect; Tall, blonde, obviously rich, older than both Lena and Kara, and baring a striking resemblance to Cate Blanchett. Nope, Kara didn’t like her one bit, but she was attracted to her dammit the gay floodgates had been opened.

Lena dropped her arms from around Kara. “Jasmine, what are you doing here? I thought after you cheated on me we were done!” She said, her voice filled with pain and yet a little longing too.

“Cheated?!” Jasmine flabbergasted, “I thought you cheated on me!”

Kara looked between the two rapidly, like a dog a dog following a bone. “Lee what’s she talking about? Were you two bezzie mates too?”

“Bezzie mates? Oh no” Jasmine smirked darkly, “we were bridey...mates”

Kara tilts her head in confusion, whispering to herself, “Bridey mates.”

Once again her gaze jumped from Jasmine back to Kara’s brunette beauty. She could feel her eyes swimming with unshed tears. She walked away from Lena and Jasmine, both of them still arguing over who cheated on whom. Tears in her eyes she started singing to herself. Somehow mangling Jasmine’s name to fit.

_Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine_

_I’m begging of you please don’t take my girl_

Kara let the tears fall, her voice wavering. Lena and Jasmine stop arguing to stare at the singing blonde. Her hands clasped over her heart. It’s all very dramatic.

_Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine_

_Please don’t take her just because you can!_

The now silent pair stood watching as Kara continued to sing, the brunette biting her lip at the adorableness of it all and the older blonde stifling a laugh.

“Are you dating a theatre kid?” Jasmine sighed tiredly, “When will you ever learn.”

“Why do you care who I’m dating, you left!” Lena spat out, a little too forceful. Clearly her feelings for the blonde beside her weren’t as gone as she’d like.

“I left because you told me to go!” Jasmine cried with a thousand years of hellish pain but like in a short and efficient way. “I still love you...I never stopped. Can’t stop.” The last part was a pained whisper.

Lena looked down at her boots, momentarily distracted by their beauty as was Jasmine.

“Are you wearing the--” Jasmine asked quickly, not finishing before Lena interrupted.

“The Chanel boots? Yes I am.” Lena smirked, then she quickly shook her head remembering just what was happening around her. “I...I’ve moved on, Jasmine. Getting over you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Jasmine hummed. “Getting under me was much easier.” She quipped.

The brunette frowned, not sure if the older blonde was intentionally insulting herself, or trying to flirt with Lena.

The blonde’s grey blue eyes slowly looked from her raven haired ex-girlfriend to the still singing younger blonde. Her eyes gleamed as a new idea formed in her gorgeous head, still watching the other blonde sing in a much more showy fashion. If she couldn’t have Lena, perhaps she have the next best thing. Her thoughts were interrupted by Lena’s voice.

“I also just killed a man.” Lena admitted, biting her luscious lip.

“I’m sorry, you what?” The older blonde looked over at the raven haired women in confusion, and slight discomfort.

Lena sighed, and lazily swung an arm in the direction of a brunet man now lying motionless on the sidewalk a few meters away. “I hit him with my motorcycle. A casualty of my feelings for Kara.”

“Who the fuck is Kara?” Jasmine asked, even more confused.

“Kara. The girl I’m in love with.” Lena replied, waving over to Kara who was still singing albeit a different song now.

Jasmine lifted and eyebrow. “Well, alright I guess that clears some things up--” She shook her head, “Is she going to stop any time soon?”

Suddenly MoonEl gasped, he started to raise himself up but was sadly struck down by a lead bullet. The smoking gun held in Lena’s hand. She quickly glances over to Kara, but luckily the blonde is dramatically belting out a tune about wrecking balls or some such nonsense. Lena’s heart speeds up with adoration for the blonde.

Kara can hear Lena’s heartbeat speed up, she discreetly looks over, wondering if she should go back to the raven haired woman and her gorgeous ex.

“Kara...come back to me” Lena whispers. Still holding the gun, warm in her hand.

The blonde hears her plea and is beside her in the blink of an eye. Jasmine looks at her in astonishment.

“How did you get here so fast?” She asks, eyeing Kara suspiciously. “You’re Supergirl, aren’t you?” Somehow figuring out despite barely having been in National City for more than an hour, and only just meeting Kara. She has always been incredibly perceptive, dangerously smart, and according to Lena “super hot”.

But somehow Kara can’t deny Jasmine, not when her cool blue eyes are peering into Kara’s as if she can see her soul. Kara doesn’t deny it she simply can’t, Jasmine’s intense eyes make it impossible. “Yes.” She whispers.

“I’m scarily turned on.” The older blonde sighs, and then she blinks and that in itself is scary since she seems to have two sets of eyelids, the second set blinking slowly like a lazy alligator’s.

“Umm Jasmine, why do you have so many eyelids?” Kara asks unintentionally rude. Lena rolls her eyes lovingly.

Jasmine turns to Lena, “Lena I cheated on you because I’m an alien and I was scared you’d hate me!”

Suddenly the silence is broken by fighter jets flying overheard. Lena looks up, “Strange” she mutters. She looks back at Jasmine, struck with sudden fear.

“It’s the DEO, they’ve come for Jasmine!” Kara cries, suddenly aware of the situation.

“Kara!”

Kara turns at her name being called. It was Maggie, she had a gun pointed at Lena.

“Maggie, what are you doing?!” Kara growled.

The newest brunette shrugs. “She’s a Luthor and I’m trigger happy!”, her finger is indeed on the trigger, breaking proper gun handling protocol.

Kara glared at what she’d come to call the Faux Latina in her head. _There’s no way she’s anything but a tanned Italian_ , Kara thought to herself nodding at her thoughts.

Alex suddenly appeared from behind a corner. “That’s not all. We’re gonna deport Jasmine. She’s done nothing wrong but to move this story along we’re going for drama.”

The youngest blonde jumped into action, smashing Maggie’s gun and blocking Alex. “Lena, Jasmine, run!”

“This is my job, Kara!” Maggie snarls, punching a random passerby. “I’m serving the law.”

“Lena is innocent, she’s never done anything wrong ever in her life!” Kara cries, she’ll defend Lena to her dying breath. Alex gives her a weird look, clearly catching up on Kara’s feelings for the raven haired CEO.

“Asta la vista, bad guys!” Maggies yells as she pulls out her pair of handcuffs, and some throwing knives from out of nowhere.

Jasmine huffs in annoyance and suddenly contorts her mouth and entire body, promptly eating Maggie but not in a fun way.

The rest of the gathered group lets out collective What The Fucks.

Kara gives hers a disgusted look, “What the fudge, Jasmine, you just ate my sister’s girlfriend!”

“Same” Alex mutters, laughing at her own innuendo. She shakes her head and gives Jasmine a stern look. “I mean...what the fuck Jasmine!”

Jasmine lets out a little screech as her bones shift and contort again, and Kara thinks about how this is some weird animorph type crap. Jasmine has turned into a pelican before their very eyes.

“Gosh, you’re so beautiful” Kara says awestruck, as she takes a step toward pelican Jasmine. She reaches and pets Jasmine.

“What the fuck, Kara, she’s a fucking pelican how can you think that’s beautiful? It’s not a fucking swan?!” Alex says in a horrified voice. Lena eyes Kara warily.

Suddenly Jasmine’s stomach can be seen to be bobbing up and down, as if something inside is trying to punch their way out.

Alex gasps, “She’s still alive!” She raises her awesome alien gun and points it at the pelican. “Spit her out!”

She puts her gun away as Lena levels one of those raised sentient eyebrows at her.

Lena pulls a spray bottle out of her purse, aiming it at Jasmine she starts spritzing the bird. “Bad! Bad! Spit it out!”

The Danvers sisters look on in shock. Lena turns to them and shrugs. “I know how to deal with angry birds.”

They all turn to Jasmine as a squelching sound is heard. Maggie has been expelled, covered in spit. She lifts her arms and attempts to shake it off, glaring at the bird. “Seriously?!”

Her tan has washed off from her time in Jasmine’s stomach.

It’s all very convenient when a strange brunette runs up to the group. She has a gun drawn on Maggie. She’s breathtakingly beautiful and the group of gay ladies can’t help but stare at this new beauty that has joined them.

She’s short, and is of course beautiful because in this universe who isn’t. Kara thinks her profile is jaw droppingly amazing, surely Disney Princesses would be jealous of it. She looks like that actress from that one show that Kara never actually watched but Alex loved, something about a person and interest.

The brunette is still pointing her gun at Maggie, and seems to be really angry.

“You! I finally caught up with you!” She yells angrily, looking ready to kick Maggie who is still on the ground but now has her hands up and looks resigned. “You stole my identity!” The brunette continues.

Alex looks scared and turns to Maggie who is noticeably pale compared to the newest brunette addition to the group of ladies.

“Maggie, what is she talking about?” Alex asks meekly.

“She’s lying.” Maggie replies, jumping up and grabbing Alex’s shoulders. Her spray tan is visibly dripping off her face now.

Alex has tears in her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. “Is everything you ever told me a lie?”

“No!” Maggie exclaims, cringing, “Well yes...but not everything! Only some things!”

Faux Maggie turns to the Real Maggie, “You just had to find me and ruin everything!” She shakes and indignant fist. “I would’ve gotten away with it, nobody noticed my fake tan, or how I only vaguely mentioned being a person of color.”

Kara has started singing again, not sure what to do with herself in light of this revelation. This day has been wild so far. Lena lovingly listens to her, swooning at her crooning. As for Jasmine she figures now is a good time to run, or in this case fly away. She flaps her wings and is soon gone, nobody even missing her presence.

“You have such a lovely voice, Kara.” Lena says, clear adoration in her voice. Kara and Lena look into each other’s eyes, no longer caring about the argument going on beside them. They don’t even notice when Real Maggie handcuffs Faux Maggie and takes her to an awaiting cop car. Alex somehow comes away with Real Maggie’s number, confused as hell but also not unhappy about the turn of events.

 

* * *

 

 

 **EPILOGUE:**  Five Years Later

 

It’s just a regular day as Kara walks into her apartment after a busy day at CatCo. Lena greets her at the door, a quick hug and a kiss.

“How’s Mrs. Danvers doing?” Lena asks teasingly.

“This Mrs. Danvers is great. How are you, Mrs. Danvers?” Kara replies, giving Lena another kiss.

Before Lena can reply Kara feels a small pair of arms wrapped around her legs, she looks down and sees their daughter, Leia, grinning up at Kara.

“Hey Momma!” Greets Leia. Kara smiles, and picks up their daughter. Giving her a kiss on her rosy cheek.

Lena walks back into their living room, hearing her wife and their daughter following behind her telling each other about their respective days. The rest of their friends and family are already waiting in the living room.

Alex and her wife Maggie, the real one, are cooing over Kara and Lena’s youngest daughter, Lila. Alex never lets them live it down once they announce Leia’s name at the hospital on the day she was born. Lila on the other hand is given a pass.

James and Lucy are talking to Eliza and Winn. Once Kara and Leia enter the living room Leia immediately runs and jumps onto Winn’s lap, her favorite uncle.

The peace of this family enjoying their time together is suddenly interrupted by a harsh banging on their front door. Everyone looks around, quickly counting heads and realizing everyone is accounted for.

Kara frowns as she uses her x-ray vision to see who it is. She quickly heads to the door, opening it and finding Jasmine standing there, distraught and tears running down her face. Miraculously her makeup isn’t running.

Lena has come up behind Kara and gasps.

“Jasmine, what are you doing here?!” Kara shouts. Entirely unnecessary but always dramatic.

“We haven’t seen you in months?” Lena joins in, looking confused and worried at the older blonde.

Jasmine is still sobbing, she reaches for Lena. “Someone kidnapped my baby! Our baby!” There’s a loaded emphasis on _our_ as she looks into Lena’s green orbs.

Lena gasps. “What do you mean ours?”

Jasmine’s beautiful face clears as she starts explaining.

“The truth is, she’s yours. From all those years ago when you cheated on me.”

“Rao not this again” Kara mutters under her breathe.

Lena dramatically faints.

 

(This is basically the end because I jokingly wrote this as if it was going to be a series)

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far...wow. Thanks? I hope I'll one day write more supercorp fic, of the regular kind and not crackfic because I do actually love this ship. But for now, this is all i've got to share.


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